Mirror, mirror on the wall. I don’t recognize this body, not at all.

I have been very open about my struggles with body image, self confidence and my bouts of anxiety. Cancer has certainly tested me, physically, mentally and emotionally and left me with scars that may never fully heal.

Throughout my journey I have sought to find people, groups and communities of other cancer survivors that I could share my story with and in turn support others that may be struggling too. Cancer can be very isolating and a hard path to navigate. Being able to find and bond with others in the cancer community is an important component in the healing process. Recently, I connected with an incredible charity called ABC “After Breast Cancer” who support women battling breast cancer items to make the journey easier. Drainage tube pouches, pillows, camisoles, and breast prostheses at no charge. Breast prostheses can cost up to $800 per and should be replaced twice a year. That is a cost that many women can’t afford. ABC provides these free of charge to any women in need across Canada. Breast cancer robs us of so much but ABC offers us compassion, support and a safe place to deal with our struggles with body image and confidence. That, is worth its weight in gold!

A few weeks ago, I saw a post from ABC that said they were looking for women to share their stories. I replied to the post, shared a bit about myself and my journey and attached the link to my blog. A few days later I was contacted and scheduled a zoom meeting with the founder, and some other women who volunteer for the charity. It was a great call and I felt very connected with these women and ABC’s mission. To my surprise and delight, I was asked to be a brand ambassador for ABC. As an ambassador, my role is to help support the charity, educate others on what we do and provide to women with breast cancer and to help raise funds as ABC is a 100% charity. Twelve women from across Canada have been selected as ambassadors and I couldn’t be more thrilled. One of the big initiatives to raise money is a yearly calendar that features the 12 women and is sold to raise money. This is where I struggle. On Monday night, I had an appointment for a fitting for the gown I will wear for the photoshoot. A gown….me? I couldn’t picture how they were going to find anything to fit my misshapen body and the “curves” that I’ve battled with my whole life.

I arrived at a beautiful dress shop where I saw racks and racks or spectacular gowns in every colour and style imaginable. As soon as I entered I could feel my anxiety bubbling to the surface. I was led to a change room with floor to ceiling mirrors; torture for someone who struggles with body image! Eight gowns had been selected for me to try on. Once I was “in” the gown, I had to come out of my dressing room to be assessed by the stylist, shop owner and the ABC founder. I could feel my face start to flush with the the anxiety and embarrassment I felt standing in front of these three beautiful women looking me up and down. My heart was racing and I started to sweat. Not just a glow of moisture, but a full on, just ran a marathon kind of sweat! Oh fu#k, why is this happening? My hair was now wet. There was sweat dripping off the tip of my nose. It was so bad that the store owner ran to get me a roll of paper towels to try to sop up the deluge of water exiting my body. I felt ashamed that I was such a mess and I wanted to get out of there as fast as I could. I was supposed to feel glamorous and beautiful and I was feeling anything but.

After trying on every gown and retrying several, one was chosen. I thanked everyone and apologized profusely for the tsunami that overtook my body. I can only imagine what they thought of the situation and hope they don’t regret choosing me.

On Monday, July 17th all the ambassadors will be brought together for a photo shoot. We will have professional hair, makeup and fashion stylists who will work their magic on us. We will have individual photos taken for the 2024 calendar and then some group shots too. It is an all day affair from noon to 8pm. The calendar will be unveiled at a gala in September. I don’t know yet, what month I will be…provided I don’t melt into a puddle like the wicked witch of the west! I am excited, nervous, anxious and hopeful. I want to feel confident. I want to look the part and I want to do a good job for this charity. It is important that the calendar is a success as it a key element in fundraising. The more money raised, the more women we can help. THAT is what is important to me. THAT is why I am doing this and THAT is why I am proud to be an ABC ambassador.