The Sound of Silence…That has been my existence lately. I haven’t posted for several weeks and even now I’m finding it difficult.

Why would I write a post when nothing has changed. When I am still suffering from the same things without relief, or hope that things will ever get better.

I am lucky that I have been able to spend most of the summer at my cottage, where things are quiet, simple and picturesque. The sound of the rapids calms me. The smell of the pine forest relaxes me and the sight of butterflies and hummingbirds flying effortlessly inspires me.

But even these beautiful pictures cannot brighten the days when my physical and emotional pain swallow me up. On those days the rapids are dry; the forest is dark with wilting trees and the butterflies and birds have broken wings. Today is one of those days. My nerve pain woke me up every hour on the hour last night, so even though I take several medications that do help me fall back to sleep…I only got a few minutes each hour. I’m groggy…my mind is fuzzy…and my pain has not decreased. My chest, arms, legs and spine are all screaming and I have no way to make it stop. Day after day, week after week, month after fu#king month I try to keep positive. I focus on the good things in my life and push through the bad days trying to tell myself that it will get better.

I’m lying to myself. It’s not getting better and it probably never will. And its on those days, like today, that I find myself really struggling. I just want a day where it feels like I’m not falling apart anymore. It’s exhausting dealing with chronic pain. People see me and think I’m fine because most of the time I can function and focus on my family and friends while burying the pain deep down inside. But there are times that I simply can’t. It’s like someone has pulled my energy plug and I am drained of strength and the ability to pretend that all is well. The pain takes over and the exhaustion overwhelms me and I want to retreat from the world and hide. From the outside looking in it’s hard to understand; and from the inside looking out, it’s hard to explain. I feel a bone-tired, soul-tired, heart-tired kind of exhaustion. Tired isn’t even a temporary state for me anymore. At this point, tired has become part of my personality.

When I’m with my family and friends, I really do my very best to appear “well”. I usually find myself telling stories, recounting comical events and making fun of myself to make people laugh. If others are laughing, then I too feel better. And if I control the scenario with my antics then there is no opportunity for people to see what lurks beneath my surface. No one wants to see and hear about my aches, pains, fears and anxieties at a social gathering…or anyplace honestly. And I don’t really want to share what I’m actually feeling and turn things into a Patti pity party. I don’t want that. I’m not looking for people to feel sorry for me…hell I do a good enough job at that! All I want is some relief… Some hope.

I truly don’t know if I will ever be rid of my “situation” or if I will even get some partial relief. All I can do is cope; and try to focus on the positive and push through the pain. I always try to find the light in every day and keep the darkness at bay for as long as I can.

“I’ll be ok” I say to myself everyday, over and over again. Somedays It works better than others. Today is a “not so much” day. But that’s alright. Maybe tomorrow will be better. That is my mantra. Tomorrow is another day. So today I will do my best and that’s all I can ask of myself. I will put on a smile and laugh and believe that all will be alright…even if I’m lying to myself, it’s a “good lie” to tell.

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