…but it’s up to us to get up and fight!

I haven’t posted lately, for many reasons. Probably the most important reason is I’ve found myself struggling;and although I have shared the honest truth of my journey with breast cancer, I have always had a “positive” spin on things; something uplifting to say. But lately I haven’t felt that way. That is hard for me to admit. I truly do try to appear happy and positive but some days it has been just an act. An award winning act mind you, but still an act. Take the isolation cancer causes mixed with the extreme isolation of Covid and you get a cocktail that’s hard to swallow. My pain specialists, which I have three, are trying a myriad of drugs to curtail my extreme nerve pain and lack of sleep. I take eleven different pills all to treat different things and so far I am still suffering. The latest prescription causes severe dizziness and this morning was no exception. My face decided to merge with a cast iron wood stove. One minute I was adding wood to a fire and the next minute I was on the floor with blood trickling down my face. As the day progresses the swelling has increased and I am starting to look like Rocky Balboa after 15 rounds with Apollo Creed.

This week, four years ago, I was undergoing a biopsy of my left breast. I had been reassured by a surgeon that it was “probably an infection”. Two weeks later that same surgeon told me I had cancer. Never did I think that four years after this journey started that I would still be on the road to recovery. It’s been a very long road and unfortunately at this time, there is no final end in sight. I used to hold on to the wish that I would someday be back to “normal” or as close to how I was before cancer. Now, all I want is less pain (a level I can manage) and the ability to sleep for longer than an hour.

I’m tired. I’m frustrated. And I hate feeling like this. I lack the energy I once had and it holds me back from so many things I want to do. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life fighting day after day to just make it through to the night when my pain is at its worst and I toss and turn for hours. That’s not how I envisioned my life. Yes, I am having a moment of I don’t know…self-pity…or maybe just a reality check. It’s hard coming to terms with the state of my body. It has failed me and I’m not sure if anyone can fix it. For four years I have been mentally strong even when I was physically weak, but staying positive everyday, trying my best not to show how shitty I feel has taken its toll. At least for today. Maybe it was the knock to my head that made me crack and let the negative thoughts creep in. Having a swollen nose and the start of a black eye is certainly a reminder that my battle continues. But after I passed out, I WAS able to get up. I WAS able to clean myself up and I WAS able to look at myself and actually laugh. I mean, it is a bit humorous…right?

Sharing my journey, my ups and downs has really helped me. All of you who read my blog and send me comments give me strength and encouragement on days like today when its hard to find. I am a fighter. I am a survivor. I wear my battle scars proudly…even this new one across the bridge of my nose!

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