What the, and I can’t stress this enough, the FU#K!?! I can’t believe what I am seeing and hearing on the news. Insurrection, violence, a pandemic, deaths spiraling out of control…someone please wake me up from this nightmare. I have had to limit how much media I watch as I can’t afford to expend any extra energy on the anger and frustration, disbelief and fear I feel when I see what is unfolding in the world right now. The pandemic alone, and I can’t believe I even have to qualify that, is enough to have us all fearing for our lives, but now add the anarchy and violence fueled by a madman is about all I can take.

I was hoping 2021 would start off on a positive note. That people would respect the protocols we have for mask wearing, social distancing and abide by the temporary lock down in order to flatten the curve…..again! I was hoping that the promise of the vaccine and a rapid deployment would see us all moving past this COVID nightmare…

I was hoping that 2021 would see an end or at least a lessening of all my medical issues brought on or exasperated by my mastectomy; but so far I have six separate medical appointments in January alone. I have been given an experimental drug to try an ease the nerve pain I suffer from. It is not readily available so I have had to find a compounding pharmacy that can make up the drug and put it in capsules for me. This of course has caused issues with my insurance as the company doesn’t recognize that the “compound” is in fact a “real” prescription…and this drug is not cheap! There are enough side effects listed that would make anyone scream and run away…but desperate times demand desperate measures. At this point I would do just about anything to have a good night’s sleep. And by that, I mean more than two hours in a row. That’s the most that I have had in months. We all know what’s its like to function after a bad night. We feel groggy, achy, and “not ourselves.” Hell, I don’t even remember who “I was” before cancer took over my life. Between juggling doctor’s appointments, medications, treatments, surgeries and PAIN, my days, weeks, months and now years are not my own anymore. I am paingry. I am tired of feeling this way. I am tired of “having” to dig deeper every day to find the energy and strength I need to just get through some days. I am tired of waiting for an answer that may never come.

Yesterday, a dear friend told me that he has too been diagnosed with cancer. Fu#k! We had a long talk and an honest one at that. He knows that I am there for him and that he can talk to me straight…that he can tell me he is afraid, or worried, or anxious, or in pain and I won’t judge…cause I get it. He also knows that I will lift him up. That I will cheer him on, make him laugh and give him the boost that he will need as he faces his battle. Nothing prepares you for the onslaught of emotion that hits you when you have to deal with cancer. Being faced with your own mortality is not easy, at any stage of your life. And for many of us, it is hard to talk about it; to be vulnerable; to show that we are scared sh#tless. So we paste on a smile, do our best to get through each day, and pretend that everything is ok…no matter what we are really feeling. We owe it to ourselves and each other to be honest. Life is too short to “pretend” that everything is always ok. When it is…great; celebrate that. But when it’s not…it’s ok to admit it. Pretending doesn’t make the “bad” go away, it only adds to the problem. This is true for all we do in life. Just turn on the news and you’ll see the damage that can manifest by “pretending.”

I am determined to find answers and a solution to my pain. I will not give up the fight. I will not let what cancer has done to me rule the rest of my life. I can’t . I won’t. Sorry Cancer but you picked the wrong bitch to battle with!

#chronicpain #cancer #mentalhealth #positivementalattitude #motivationalspeaker #bravery #honesty #diagnosis #paingry

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