Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue…

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…and the dreams that you dare to dream, maybe do come true.

Over the Rainbow. It’s a favorite song of mine and my daughter. So much so that at her wedding last month my father played it on the piano as she walked down the aisle. There wasn’t a dry eye in the room.

The song evokes a sense of wonder, of hope and longing. Dorothy, who lives in a black and white world of hardship and loneliness yearns for a better place…a place full of colour and excitement…OZ.

There comes a time in everyone’s life, when they take stock. We look back over our lives and tally up what we see. Have I loved and been loved enough? Have I seen and done all the things I want to do? Could I have been a better person and how can I better myself? Was I a good friend? Was I a good mother? Have I achieved all the things I want to achieve? Have a made a difference? Have I made my mark on the world? Will anyone remember me or care when I’m gone?

Many of us question ourselves and our lives at different points of our journey. When we graduate from school, when we enter into a serious relationship, when we have children, when we reach a milestone age or in my case when I was told I had cancer.

Hearing those words was like being pushed off a cliff into the abyss. I was immediately confronted with my own mortality and it scared the shit out of me. Not just the fact that “cancer can kill you” it was, “This is it. I may not have another chance to get things right.”

It was 18 months today that I underwent my double mastectomy. I still have nightmares about walking into the operating room and seeing the faces and the surgical instruments that were about to change my life forever. Just going for simple blood work now can cause me to have an anxiety attack. The white walls, the nurses, the smell of antiseptic and the needles can bring me to tears faster than any Hallmark movie ever could. Is this the life that is now ahead of me? A life of fear and pain and anguish. I certainly hope not. I looked at my calendar for January; the New Year…a new start…and what I saw was overwhelming. In the first two weeks of January, I have four doctor’s appointments! FOUR!!!! Before cancer, I wouldn’t have had four appointments in a year, let alone two weeks! Is this what I have to look forward to?

I feel like the Wicked Witch of the East that just had a house fall on them! My life has gone in reverse. I was living in OZ, a colourful, exciting world where I thrived and was happy. Now I am stuck, like Dorothy, in a depressing black and white world; a world where all you can do is try your best to push through the pain and tackle each and every day with as positive an attitude as you can muster, all the while longing for an escape, a change, a life that is over that rainbow.

Like Dorothy, I yearn for something that right now I can only imagine. Can I get back there? How do I get back there? Is there a better life waiting for for me? I had one once. I know what it feels like …so I am longing for that life again.

If happy little bluebirds fly, beyond the rainbow, why oh why can’t I?

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tatacancer View All →

President of As You Like It Marketing & Communications Inc. Award winning speaker and author. Breast cancer fighter and blogger. I’m sharing my journey…the good, the bad and the ugly. Hoping to help anyone else that has been touched by breast cancer be it you or someone you know or love.

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