Where do I go from here?


Last Saturday, my beautiful daughter got married. Despite the teaming rain, it was the most spectacular day I can remember. She was so happy and I couldn’t have asked for anything more.

The wedding has been my focus for over a year. It has given me something positive to look forward to and to work towards. My goal was to look and feel as well as I could for this memorable and life changing event. Well…I think I can say that I pulled it off. Albeit exhausting, the weekend and the wedding was a success. But I am paying for it now. Everything hurts. I feel almost like I have a really bad case of the flu…aching muscles; sore, sensitive skin; head ache, exhaustion and anxiousness. I have to figure out how to deal with this as I am certain that how I am feeling is pretty much a chronic state of affairs.

Medications that I had been prescribed in the past now affect my stomach and hiatus hernia so I am limited as to what I can take. It’s frustrating as hell and that doesn’t help with how I feel. I know that I have another couple of surgeries looming in the near distant future, but I can’t think of them now. I don’t want to think of them now! I need to feel better before I can tackle any more slicing and dicing. I feel like one of those tacky commercials you see late at night for the “Vegematic”….it slices, it dices….it’s got a lifetime guarantee. I wish I had as much. I would have already traded in this model for a newer, better, healthier model. Hell, I’d settle for even a “used” model….as it couldn’t possibly be in worse shape than me!

The swelling under my arm has reached its peak, which generally happens six weeks after surgery. With every move of my arm I get sharp pains through my chest and armpit, not to mention the constant throbbing that never ceases; day or night. It really is wearing. I never thought that the worst part about having cancer and a mastectomy was going to be all the crap afterwards. All the “other” problems that have developed since and because of; are causing me more grief than the cancer itself…and THAT says a lot!!!

With the cold weather now upon us and snow in the forecast, I really need to focus on something positive. I need that “goal” like I had for the wedding to help me through the days and to give me some peace at night. Last winter was a long, lonely, isolating and desperate time. I have to find a way to ensure that this winter doesn’t feel the same. But until I can find some other wonderful thing to look forward to; to keep my mind off the day to day physical frustration I am living with, I will just have to use my imagination and pretend that all is well. I will keep pushing myself and moving forward to hopefully a place where pain is but a distant memory. Despite the grey skies and the rain, I’ll keep smiling…and dancing !



tatacancer View All →

President of As You Like It Marketing & Communications Inc. Award winning speaker and author. Breast cancer fighter and blogger. I’m sharing my journey…the good, the bad and the ugly. Hoping to help anyone else that has been touched by breast cancer be it you or someone you know or love.

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