Where do I go from here?

Last Saturday, my beautiful daughter got married. Despite the teaming rain, it was the most spectacular day I can remember. She was so happy and I couldn’t have asked for anything more.

The wedding has been my focus for over a year. It has given me something positive to look forward to and to work towards. My goal was to look and feel as well as I could for this memorable and life changing event. Well…I think I can say that I pulled it off. Albeit exhausting, the weekend and the wedding was a success. But I am paying for it now. Everything hurts. I feel almost like I have a really bad case of the flu…aching muscles; sore, sensitive skin; head ache, exhaustion and anxiousness. I have to figure out how to deal with this as I am certain that how I am feeling is pretty much a chronic state of affairs.

Medications that I had been prescribed in the past now affect my stomach and hiatus hernia so I am limited as to what I can take. It’s frustrating as hell and that doesn’t help with how I feel. I know that I have another couple of surgeries looming in the near distant future, but I can’t think of them now. I don’t want to think of them now! I need to feel better before I can tackle any more slicing and dicing. I feel like one of those tacky commercials you see late at night for the “Vegematic”….it slices, it dices….it’s got a lifetime guarantee. I wish I had as much. I would have already traded in this model for a newer, better, healthier model. Hell, I’d settle for even a “used” model….as it couldn’t possibly be in worse shape than me!

The swelling under my arm has reached its peak, which generally happens six weeks after surgery. With every move of my arm I get sharp pains through my chest and armpit, not to mention the constant throbbing that never ceases; day or night. It really is wearing. I never thought that the worst part about having cancer and a mastectomy was going to be all the crap afterwards. All the “other” problems that have developed since and because of; are causing me more grief than the cancer itself…and THAT says a lot!!!

With the cold weather now upon us and snow in the forecast, I really need to focus on something positive. I need that “goal” like I had for the wedding to help me through the days and to give me some peace at night. Last winter was a long, lonely, isolating and desperate time. I have to find a way to ensure that this winter doesn’t feel the same. But until I can find some other wonderful thing to look forward to; to keep my mind off the day to day physical frustration I am living with, I will just have to use my imagination and pretend that all is well. I will keep pushing myself and moving forward to hopefully a place where pain is but a distant memory. Despite the grey skies and the rain, I’ll keep smiling…and dancing !