Labour day has come and gone. Summer feels like it is over. The nights are cooler, the days are shorter and my wait continues. I have had no word regarding my next two surgeries. I have called, asked, pestered and begged to no avail. You can’t blame me for being anxious and a bit impatient. I desperately want to have these procedures behind me. I want to look better and feel better. It’s exhausting always being in pain and its depressing feeling so out of control with my own body.

I have developed some stomach issues from all the meds that I have had to take over the course of this journey. I now can’t take even a coated aspirin without getting violently ill. Therefore I have had to stop all meds including my anti-inflammatory pills that help with the herniated discs in my back. Now, I have severe back and joint pain to contend with too. At this point I really just want to trade my body in for a new model. Hell, I’d settle for a gently used one provided its in better condition than the one I have now. And given how I am feeling, that wouldn’t be hard. I wonder if there’s a listing for that on Kijiji? Fortunately I have an appointment with my family doctor next week to try to see what can be done for what I expect is an ulcer. Seriously, what the fu#k else can go wrong?!?!?!

This weekend however, I’m hosting a shower for my beautiful daughter and her fiance. It’s been a VERY long time since I’ve done any entertaining. I just haven’t had the energy or confidence…BUT this is something that I really want to do. She deserves it. They deserve it. And I deserve it! I need to feel useful. I need to focus on happy events. I need to surround myself with the positive energy that radiates from people celebrating an event like this. My daughter’s wedding is in less than two months. There’s a lot still to do, but I have that to look forward to. I was REALLY hoping that I would have had the hematoma and large lump under my arm removed before the wedding, but it doesn’t look likely. I have been holding off looking for a dress as I didn’t want to deal with my misshapen form but looks like I have no choice. I need to find a dress that will hide all the bumps and lumps and scars that my mastectomy has left me with. I’m so terribly self conscious and I hate that. I so desperately want to look nice…no better than nice. I want look pretty, for my daughter and yes, for me. I need to dig deep to find that confidence. And I need to find that dress!

Cancer has taken away so much from me; more than just my breasts. I struggle everyday to find and regain my energy, my strength, my confidence, my self esteem. It’s a battle. Some days are better than others. But its hard. With every day, every week, every month, every season, I push on hoping that this will all eventually be behind me.

With cancer, some days you feel like you’re losing everything…but then I remember that trees lose their leaves every year and still they stand tall and wait for better days to come.

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