Labour day has come and gone. Summer feels like it is over. The nights are cooler, the days are shorter and my wait continues. I have had no word regarding my next two surgeries. I have called, asked, pestered and begged to no avail. You can’t blame me for being anxious and a bit impatient. I desperately want to have these procedures behind me. I want to look better and feel better. It’s exhausting always being in pain and its depressing feeling so out of control with my own body.
I have developed some stomach issues from all the meds that I have had to take over the course of this journey. I now can’t take even a coated aspirin without getting violently ill. Therefore I have had to stop all meds including my anti-inflammatory pills that help with the herniated discs in my back. Now, I have severe back and joint pain to contend with too. At this point I really just want to trade my body in for a new model. Hell, I’d settle for a gently used one provided its in better condition than the one I have now. And given how I am feeling, that wouldn’t be hard. I wonder if there’s a listing for that on Kijiji? Fortunately I have an appointment with my family doctor next week to try to see what can be done for what I expect is an ulcer. Seriously, what the fu#k else can go wrong?!?!?!
This weekend however, I’m hosting a shower for my beautiful daughter and her fiance. It’s been a VERY long time since I’ve done any entertaining. I just haven’t had the energy or confidence…BUT this is something that I really want to do. She deserves it. They deserve it. And I deserve it! I need to feel useful. I need to focus on happy events. I need to surround myself with the positive energy that radiates from people celebrating an event like this. My daughter’s wedding is in less than two months. There’s a lot still to do, but I have that to look forward to. I was REALLY hoping that I would have had the hematoma and large lump under my arm removed before the wedding, but it doesn’t look likely. I have been holding off looking for a dress as I didn’t want to deal with my misshapen form but looks like I have no choice. I need to find a dress that will hide all the bumps and lumps and scars that my mastectomy has left me with. I’m so terribly self conscious and I hate that. I so desperately want to look nice…no better than nice. I want look pretty, for my daughter and yes, for me. I need to dig deep to find that confidence. And I need to find that dress!
Cancer has taken away so much from me; more than just my breasts. I struggle everyday to find and regain my energy, my strength, my confidence, my self esteem. It’s a battle. Some days are better than others. But its hard. With every day, every week, every month, every season, I push on hoping that this will all eventually be behind me.
With cancer, some days you feel like you’re losing everything…but then I remember that trees lose their leaves every year and still they stand tall and wait for better days to come.
President of As You Like It Marketing & Communications Inc. Award winning speaker and author. Breast cancer fighter and blogger. I’m sharing my journey…the good, the bad and the ugly. Hoping to help anyone else that has been touched by breast cancer be it you or someone you know or love.