I’m a pretty positive person. I try to find the humour in every situation and I think I have an inner resilience that has served me well. Even when I was a little girl, I was always smiling and happy ( as you can see from the above photo) even though I was not the “picture of health.” I suffered terribly from the croup, had several bouts of pneumonia, ear problems…blah, blah, blah. I was also, EXTREMELY accident prone. I was the kid who would walk off the top step into mid air and fall down two flights to the basement floor. I’d walk into the corners of tables, miss the doorway and hit the wall and of course, I was the kid who put her tongue on the frozen railing to see if it actually would stick! I was soooooo bad, that my grandmother sat my Mom down and said “Don’t get too attached to her Marlene, I don’t think she’ll live to see her third birthday!”

Well Nanny, I’m still here!!!!! And for the most part, I’m still smiling.

I’ve been pretty honest about my journey with breast cancer. I’ve shared the good, the bad and the UGLY. It hasn’t been easy. In fact, it’s been FU#KING hard, but I have been and remain to be, determined to not let this shitstorm break my spirit. It has taken every ounce of energy to do so. Trust me, I am no hero. In fact, most of the time I am one big mess, but I am determined to get this journey over with.

Last week, after returning from the surgeon’s office, I got hit with a terrible flu bug. This is the third time this has happened after being at the hospital. It hit fast and it hit hard. For almost 14 hours I vomited. I spewed stuff that I probably ate in 1988! I spiked a fever and was sure that my sutures were going to burst open with every heave. I was so weak I had to text a friend to please bring me some ginger-ale and gravol. I felt so sick…and I was scared. Even my dogs were concerned. They lay on the bathroom floor with me watching as I turned from their happy master to Linda Blair’s inspiration in the Exorcist. When I finally was able to pry myself away from my porcelain pal, I crawled into bed and slept in a fever induced state for 20 straight hours….finally waking, soaking wet when my fever broke.

When you are already in a weakened state from surgery and something like the flu hits you….IT HITS YOU!!!!! I am still dragging my ass several days later; not able to eat much, trying to stay hydrated and trying very hard to meet all my work obligations. It ain’t easy…but I have no choice. The world doesn’t stop just because you get cancer. You still have responsibilities and bills to pay. My insurance is STILL denying me any compensation…but of course I am expected to maintain paying my premiums every month.

I guess what I am trying to say is I have made a choice. I did that the day I was diagnosed with breast cancer. My choice is that I have been and will remain as positive and happy as I can. I will look at each day, as challenging as it might be, to try to find the good in it. Even if that “good” is something that most people wouldn’t even register. I will try to maintain my humour and I will celebrate all the good things I have in my life. I will focus on the future and not the past. I will continue to push forward even if I miss a step and tumble to the floor. I’ve made it this far, despite my grandma’s predictions to the contrary. I am a fighter. I am survivor….I am a smiley, happy girl!

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