I had to get away. I had to get away from cancer. I know that sounds weird. How do you get away from a disease that has consumed every waking minute of your life for over a year. But I did. I went off grid. Literally. I went to spend a week on a lake with no hydro, no running water, no cell reception, no nothing. It was wonderful. For the first time in a very long time I didn’t obsess about doctor’s appointments, prescriptions, surgeries…survival! For one week I went to bed when it got dark and woke up with the sun. I listened to loons calling each other. I watched in awe as a majestic bald eagle soared above me floating as if it was no effort at all. I saw a black bear saunter along the shoreline across the river looking for berries. I saw fish jump, and painted turtles sunning themselves on the rocks. At night I counted fireflies as they flickered in and out of the darkness.  The sound of nearby rapids lulled me to sleep. For the first time, in a very long time, I felt whole. I wasn’t broken. I was at peace.

What?!?! You’re crazy some people said. You can’t do that. You’re recovering from surgery!!!!!!

And that’s exactly why it was just the break I needed. I was ten days post op. I had already weaned myself off pain meds. I had completed my round of antibiotics. I was careful not to lift anything too heavy, which for me is about 7 lbs, and I kept my incisions from getting too wet. I did dip into the water often, to cool off, but I knew I wasn’t allowed to be submerged for any length of time. And for me, that was a small sacrifice for the chance to immerse myself into crystal clean, fresh water. I had family time. I was able to visit with my parents and brother who was visiting from New York City.  I spent much needed time with my daughter, who always lifts my spirits and gives me the light I sometimes need when the darkness of cancer looms too closely.

Tomorrow, I see my surgeon. I will have my bandages removed and find out what the “next steps” are in my recovery process. I am back to reality. Back to face 500+ emails anxiously waiting my response. Back to the real world. Back to the “grind”.

But for one week, I detoxed. I let all the pain and worry and trauma I’ve experienced, dissipate and leave my body. For one week, I spent mending. I spent time just “being”. Not thinking about cancer. Not thinking about anything other than just how incredibly lucky I am.

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