I can barely move. I’m living in slow motion.

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I’m five days post-op and I’m not doing well. My whole body feels like its been encased in cement. Every step is an effort. Every movement exhausts me. It’s a challenge even opening my pill bottles as I lack the strength to push down on cap to release it. I tried to make coffee this morning and I wasn’t strong enough to push the plunger of the french press down with my arms. I had to lean on it with my entire body just to push down the coffee grounds to give me the caffeine I so desperately needed. I’ve cut back my pain meds hoping I will gain some energy but all its done is make me feel too sore to do anything anyway. It’s a losing battle it seems. I don’t mean to sound dramatic or sound like a whiner, but feeling like this is so very frustrating.  Fighting through the pain is exhausting and when I’m exhausted the pain feels worse. I’m trying not to sleep too much throughout the day so that I can sleep at night. But when night comes, I can’t find a comfortable position so I lie there, my mind racing and I start to get upset and then can’t sleep anyway. It’s a vicious circle…a horrible merry-go-round that I want to get off of NOW!

My body is holding me captive. I manage to make my way downstairs now for the day and I remain there until its time to ascend for the night. Climbing the stairs is like climbing Mount Everest for me except the only Sherpa guides I have with me are my two dogs bringing up the rear. I’ve left the cap off my toothpaste because its too hard for me to screw and unscrew the lid. That’s how pathetic this recovery is going. When brushing your teeth becomes the biggest hurdle of your day, you know you’re in trouble.

Give it time. You have to rest. Be patient…..blah, blah blah. This isn’t my first rodeo. I’ve been through this bullsh#t three times now….and it ain’t getting any easier. Sure there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, but right now, that light is a freight train coming straight at me. I’m digging deep; deeper than I have in a long time to gather the strength and the stamina I need to get through this recovery. It’s taking everything I’ve got to keep pushing and to keep as positive as possible when all I want to do is curl up into a ball and disappear. I wish I was a caterpillar that could spin a caccoon that would surround and protect me while I rest and heal. A caccoon that kept me safe and out of pain until I was ready to emerge transformed…changed for the better…a butterfly that was light and free and ready to enjoy the beautiful world around them. A metamorphosis. A transformation. A renewal. That kind of change takes time. That kind of change takes patience. That kind of change is what I am waiting for….

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tatacancer View All →

President of As You Like It Marketing & Communications Inc. Award winning speaker and author. Breast cancer fighter and blogger. I’m sharing my journey…the good, the bad and the ugly. Hoping to help anyone else that has been touched by breast cancer be it you or someone you know or love.

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