I am in a holding pattern. I have been for months. I am currently on two waiting lists for surgeries. One list for the removal of my hematoma and one list for surgery to remove my ill-fitting silicone implants to replace them with saline implants. I have my fingers crossed that the new implants will fill the empty cavity left by my mastectomy.

As much as I am anxious to get these two surgeries behind me, the thought of spending another summer recouping…dealing with the pain and anguish and stress of this whole process is almost more than I can bare. I am approaching a year since my bilateral mastectomy. A year….it’s almost unfathomable that it’s been that long. June 13, 2018 was my first surgery, February 11, 2019 was my second…and as I said, I am in a holding pattern waiting for #3 and #4.

Thankfully this week I am finally scheduled for an MRI.  I have been waiting for this appointment for ten months. Since my mastectomy, I have developed severe nerve pain in my legs. The surgeon I see at the McMaster Pain Clinic has not been able to pinpoint what is causing it. He feels that it is probably nerve damage as a result of the mastectomy surgery but without an MRI he can’t be sure. It has taken this long for an appointment because I had to wait until the tissue expanders, that had METAL ports, were removed before a requisition was sent for me. The MRI machines are booked 24 hours a day. My appointment is at 7pm Thursday, but it could have easily been 4am! The results will take ten days and then will be sent to the surgeon that gives me my epidural steroid injections. I can’t get an appointment with him until June 19, so who knows how long I will have to keep dealing with this “pain”.

Even writing this I am rolling my eyes thinking, “Geez Patti, you’re such a whiner”…and yes, today, I guess I am. I am going to have to stop looking at the calendar and adding up all the days, weeks and months…and almost one year, that’s gone by.

Time is a very precious commodity. We all want it to slow down when we are enjoying ourselves; when we’re on holiday or when we have an urgent deadline. But, when we are waiting for something…a loved one’s arrival, a special event or an impending surgery…we want the days, hours, minutes and seconds to fly by. We want what we are anxiously waiting for to come as quickly as possible. We want the time to fly by…quickly and painlessly.

That’s where I am at.

WAITING.

HOLDING ON.

TRYING TO BE PATIENT.

…because these things take TIME!

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