It was a month today that I had my second surgery; when I finally had the tissue expanders removed and the implants inserted. And am I glad to have those things gone! They were cumbersome, painful and debilitating. At least with the implants I don’t look and feel quite as bad. It does feel weird though, having “foreign objects” inside your chest. You are always aware of them. They don’t “hurt” per se but they are very uncomfortable and they don’t really move with you like your own flesh does. If I turn my body, part of me goes one way while the implants sort of stay stationery. It’s a bizarre feeling for sure but one I am slowly getting used to. Let’s face it. I will have these things for the next several decades! And long after the rest of my parts “fail” my implants will be going strong.

Last night for the first time since my mastectomy, I was able to lie on my side to sleep. Now, this involved several pillows strategically placed BUT I actually was able to sleep a bit in a position other than semi sitting! Since June 13th, the day of my bilateral mastectomy, I have been unable to lie flat or on my side. I have slept in a sitting or almost sitting position for nine months! I am still a long way off from being able to just lie down and/or roll over without planning, thinking, repositioning and settling into place, but its a start. I can hardly wait til the day when I can climb into bed without thinking and just lie down and sleep. Funny how many things we take for granted that mean so much to our wellbeing. A good night’s sleep. Ugh, how I long for that. To fall asleep and then STAY asleep for more than an hour at a time would be absolute bliss! Oh, and the thought of lying on my stomach so that I could treat myself to a massage is almost more excitement than I can bare. I have muscles in my neck and shoulders and chest that have been tense since my first surgery, that I haven’t been able to find any method of relief for. That’s it, I am pledging to myself that as soon as I can lie face down, I am treating myself to a massage. A long one…and maybe if I’m lucky, I’ll dose off and they’ll let me sleep. Yup, some people wish for fame…fortune….but me, I just want the knots out of my shoulders and a nap. That’s not too much to ask for is it!?

This week is a busy week for me “business” wise. Usually my weeks have been busy with doctor’s appointments, but this week I have none! A week without being poked and prodded and questioned and examined.  The freedom of being able to focus on something other than my “battle” is so uplifting and liberating. This week, I am trying to get back to being the Patti Hone I vaguely remember before cancer tried to take my life. I am blessed that cancer didn’t kill me and that I am healthy as I am…. but it DID take over my life!

Since being diagnosed, April 30, 2018 not a second has gone by that cancer wasn’t somewhere in my thoughts. And to be honest, it will always factor into every part of my life from now on, BUT I refuse to let it “be” my life! I have so much more that I want to see and do and accomplish. I know that I still have a long way to go before I am back to where I was. I still don’t have the strength or stamina to put in the hours I did before. I tire easily and I get frustrated with not being able to keep up the pace that I am used to. I still struggle with my appearance and confidence in public situations but I am getting better. It’s not easy, but anything worth fighting for never is. I can choose to let cancer remain the focus of all my energy or I can choose to let cancer be the fuel that drives me to make a difference in my life and the lives of others who have been touched by this disease.

Sorry cancer, but you picked the wrong girl to mess with.

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