It’s here. My surgery day. I’m finally getting these fu#king expanders removed and the silicone implants inserted. In a few weeks I will be able to lie down properly and hopefully sleep! I’m actually looking forward to being “put under” so I can get some pain free sleep. It’s been eight months since I’ve been able to lie down. To say I’m tired is an understatement. It’s been an eight month roller coaster of emotions. Some highs but a lot of lows. I’m still dealing with the aftermath of my mastectomy both physically and emotionally…and that probably won’t change anytime soon.

I’m shocked at how calm I feel right now. At 2:30 I am being sliced open again, but this time I know what to expect pain wise. I am far more prepared for my recovery “round two.” I am nervous that there will be complications again. I REALLY want things to go smoothly this time. The surgeon has to remove the expanders, remove my hematoma, find and remove the surgical clip that’s floating on the left side of my chest, insert the implants, adjust and readjust their position and then and this is the most important part, sew me up so that I heal well and don’t have frankenstein scars forever. It’s a big ask. It’s a big surgery. It’s a big day!

I have to be at the hospital at noon. It’s a long time to wait. I woke up hungry and I’m dying for a cup of coffee. By 2:30 I’ll be knawing my arm off. I know I won’t feel like eating once out of surgery and probably for most of tomorrow. But I am prepared for when I am. I’ve made two kinds of soup, a roast chicken and banana bread. I’ve stocked up on yogurt and crackers; juices and gingerale. I have all the provisions I need for at least a week. I won’t be very mobile for awhile so I need to be prepared. As I write this, it’s snowing outside. There are beautiful big white flakes coming down and it all looks so peaceful. I’m trying to keep calm too, like the snow falling outside. But I know it’s the calm before the storm. As the time approaches to leave for the hospital my nerves will build. When I change into my hospital gown, have the intravenous inserted into my arm and I make that long walk to the operating room again I know that I will be emotional. But with this surgery I know that that the cancer is gone. I know that my breasts will never be the same. I know that I can push through the pain and I know I will be ok. With this surgery I am gaining some boobs instead of losing them. Fingers crossed after today I’ll be able to say, “I’m back and better than ever!”

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