I’m trying my hardest not to act how I feel
I’m the girl who’s always tried to be positive. Ask anyone. I love to make people laugh. Yes, I also love to laugh, but making people laugh makes them think that everything is fine with me. Because how could I be anything but happy if I am entertaining everyone else!? But it’s not. I am exhausted. The simplest task tires me out. So, “have a sleep,” people say. Trust me, I would like nothing more than to sleep. But I can’t. It hurts to lie down. It hurts to roll over. It hurts to sit up. It hurts in every position. It hurts all the time.
I need something to look forward to….and not some arbitrary event, but an actual date to put in my calendar and start counting the days. What I really need is a surgery date to get these bloody expanders removed from my chest. Seriously, I’ve had enough. Everyday I fight the same demons…the pain in my chest, the neuropathy in my legs, the swelling under my arm, the herniated disks in my back…and everyday I hope that I will feel better. Isn’t that the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result!?
I hate feeling this way. I feel guilty for complaining because I know how much worse things could be. I beat myself up constantly because I don’t want to be a whiner or a complainer. But I’m exhausted from trying to be stronger than I feel. I want to curl up in a ball and sleep for days. EXCEPT I CAN’T SLEEP!
I’ve left a message with my reconstructive surgeon’s office asking if I can get a date… and soon. I have to wait a minimum of three months to ensure the skin has settled and has good blood supply. Since my last saline injection was November 6th, I could have surgery as soon as February 6th. But that is unlikely. The surgeon told me at my last visit that I will probably have to wait five months to get a date. It’s very frustrating. At least if I had a definitive date I could mentally focus on that and look forward to knowing that the pain I’m in will be helped with the surgery. But I have no date and so nothing confirmed that I can look forward to. I’m in limbo. I go through my days trying to get work done at my office and to keep things afloat. I try to stay in touch with friends and colleagues to keep my spirits up in order to not wallow in self-pity. And along with mascara and some lip gloss, I put on a brave face everyday as much for myself as for the people around me.
Fake it til you make it. That’s my new motto. I’ve got to keep my spirits up and put a smile on my face no matter how I feel. No matter how much pain I am in and no matter how utterly tired I am. If I don’t, I run the risk of melting into a puddle of tears and drowning in despair. So for all of you that have told me I’m strong, I am holding onto your words with every ounce of strength I can muster. I am donning my wonder woman cape and am going to fight through this shit storm to come out the other side someone I recognize. Someone who is worthy of being the person I am trying to be. The person I’d like to be. The person I should be. The person you think me to be!
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President of As You Like It Marketing & Communications Inc. Award winning speaker and author. Breast cancer fighter and blogger. I’m sharing my journey…the good, the bad and the ugly. Hoping to help anyone else that has been touched by breast cancer be it you or someone you know or love.
We all doubt ourselves and strive to be the person other’s expect us to be. Just remember no one expects you to be a hero…but to me you have always been Wonder Woman- that will never change.