I’m in a holding pattern, waiting for the new meds to help my neuropathy, waiting to get a follow up appointment at the McMaster Pain Clinic, waiting for my next saline injection, waiting for my next lymphatic massage, waiting for a good night’s sleep and waiting for a day I wake up not thinking about pain or discomfort or the fear that I will never feel “good” again. I’m doing all I can to manage the pain and still function. It’s not easy but what’s the alternative? I try to block the negative thoughts that creep into my head. Thoughts that make me sad, fearful and angry. Thoughts that ask for answers to questions that there are no real answers to. For the most part, I can shut out the negative messages that seep in despite my best efforts but there are moments when I start to listen and ask myself, will this hellish journey ever end…and if so, when?! I don’t ask, “why me?” That would be ridiculous.”Why anyone?” is more the question we should ask.
Right now, I don’t have the answers and I’m not sure I ever will. I just have to believe that it will be “alright” someday and things will go back to normal…or at least whatever my new normal is. I’m strong…but I’m tired. Maybe that’s a sign of weakness, but I trying my best. I will not be defined by my pain and struggle. I am not a victim. I want my journey to inspire someone else to have faith, to fight hard and to believe that they too will be ok. I want my battle to help others gain ground on the cancer war they may be fighting now or in the future. I want to have and show the strength that’s needed to fight everyday. I want other’s to look at me and say “well if she can do it, so can I”.
Some days you may just want to curl up into a ball and not face the day. Some days you won’t feel brave…but that doesn’t mean that you’re not. You can be brave and strong and broken all at once. Some days the cracks will show more than others, but that’s ok. In fact, in Japan, broken objects are often repaired with gold. The flaw is seen as a unique piece of the object’s history….which adds to its beauty. Let’s shine like gold next time we feel like we’re falling apart. Let’s drown out those negative voices with words of praise and encouragement. Let’s believe that there’s light at the end of the tunnel and that the light isn’t a train coming to run us over again. We believed in Santa and the tooth fairy for years with blind faith so shouldn’t we be able to believe in ourselves for the remainder of this journey…and beyond?!
President of As You Like It Marketing & Communications Inc. Award winning speaker and author. Breast cancer fighter and blogger. I’m sharing my journey…the good, the bad and the ugly. Hoping to help anyone else that has been touched by breast cancer be it you or someone you know or love.