Has it really been three months?
Yesterday marked three months since my surgery. June 13th will always be a day I remember…forever. When I say “three months” out loud it sounds like an incredibly long time. On one hand the time has flown by…and on the other it’s been the longest three months of my life. When I first came home from the surgery the days were a blur. I was on so many drugs that I slept the days away. Now, even when I feel like I need to lie down I don’t….I won’t. I need to train my body like an athlete preparing for a big race. I am trying to prepare myself for “real life”…working full time, going to the office, going to meetings, seeing clients, doing speaking engagements, traveling to conferences…doing what normal “working people” do. Doing what I did before….”before this”. My days are very busy, or at least busy for me. Between answering emails, trying to run my business from home and doctor’s appointments my days are full. I look at my calendar and it reminds me of how my grandparents calendar looked. I was always amazed by how many appointments they had every week/month. Scary thing is, I have just as many and that’s for one person, not two! It’s crazy really, but it’s now my life at least for the foreseeable future.
The future…that’s something that excites me and terrifies me. What will the next few months look like? What will the next year entail? What do the next two, five, ten have in store?! Before my surgery if anyone had told me that I would still be very much “home bound” after three months I would have rolled my eyes and said “there’s no way that will be me!” Don’t get me wrong, I am no superwoman, but I do think I am mentally strong and very positive, so I expect that to translate into being physically strong too. Unfortunately it just doesn’t always work out that way. Would I be in even worse shape had I not the resolve to want to heal as quickly as possible? Would I be as bad had I not remained positive in the face of some pretty shitty days and nights? Who knows. But I’d like to think that I am better off and further along because I have pushed through and not given up.
Yesterday I had a client meeting in Toronto. The client office is 86km from my place. With traffic it took me over two hours to get there and almost as long to get home. The meeting went well. It felt really good to be back in my element, doing what I am good at and feeling like I was accomplishing something. My client is very understanding and knows that I am recovering still. The meeting went well and I was happy that I was able to make the trip there and back in one piece. But I was exhausted. By the time I got home I could barely climb the stairs to my bedroom to change out of my dress and heels and into shorts and flip flops. I was drained. It was late afternoon and I was wishing it was at least dark outside so I could pretend it was “late” and go to bed. On one hand I was proud of myself for having done so much that day, but on the other I was extremely frustrated. Why am I so fu#king tired? I’ve been sitting on my ass for three months, you’d think I’d be well rested!!!
I had planned to celebrate my three month marker by picking up some food and treating myself to a glass of wine…maybe even a martini. Hell, three months was something to celebrate was it not? I was far too tired to go anywhere to get food and my brain was too fried to look through delivery menus to order anything. The thought of making a martini seemed too daunting. I ended up with a glass of sparkling wine and piece of toast. I’d lost my appetite for both a celebratory meal or drink. Fun wow!
My life truly has changed since “before” my surgery and l’ve realized that my life will never truly be the same. How can it be, when I am not the same person I was “before”. Now, I am dealing with the “after.” It’s definitely different but it’s ok, or at least will be. Are there still challenges I need to get through…yes. But life IS a challenge. Some good some not. But life would be pretty dull if we didn’t have challenges to help us learn and grow and become better people. No one said life would be easy and I never expected it be…”before” and especially not “after”.
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President of As You Like It Marketing & Communications Inc. Award winning speaker and author. Breast cancer fighter and blogger. I’m sharing my journey…the good, the bad and the ugly. Hoping to help anyone else that has been touched by breast cancer be it you or someone you know or love.
Patti, you ARE the same person….and always will be. Nothing has changed in that department. You are beautiful inside, outside and in every way. Now, YOU have to realize, and believe that.