It’s Monday. The start of the work week…and for me the start of trying to go back to the office part time. I have been doing work from home as best I can, but its not the same as “being at the office”. I miss the hustle and bustle of the office, the energy, the noise and of course the people!!! I have been absent from many of these people for two months. That’s a long time to be out of sight and out of mind.

I decided to wait til rush hour was over before heading out on the highway. I also wanted to plan my time so that I could be at the office for  a few hours and then get home before the afternoon rush hour started and before my energy faded. Driving is still a challenge and so I really needed to pace myself. I got up early, showered and then started the terrifying search for something to wear. Since being off recuperating, I have been living in shorts, t-shirts and the occasional sundress. My wardrobe has been made up of outfits that are loose, comfortable, easy to get on and off and nothing that represents anything particularly “fashionable”. I knew that I wasn’t able to manage high heels yet so I didn’t torture myself with that accessory. I’m still getting used to the shift in weight and balance now associated with my new shape…or lack of. Everything I put on either didn’t fit on top anymore, or drew too much attention to the fact that I am missing something that was very “there” two months ago. Some outfits drew too much attention to how big my butt now looks with nothing on top to balance things out. The clothes that I once loved and made me feel good now just frustrated and upset me.

Whether people kindly say ” you look good” or not, what I see in the mirror is far from good. Yes, I feel so much better than I did at the start of this journey, and I am not as self conscious when I’m hanging around at home with no one to see me but my dog….but heading into the office…a professional environment, with people that I work with and want to put forth my very best self, is very difficult. I am in marketing. I specialize in branding…image, identity and perception. How people see you affects how they relate to you. And of course, how you see yourself affects how you represent yourself to others. So as much as I have been looking forward to seeing everyone at the office it was very hard coming in today. I feel exposed, vulnerable and very nervous. My confidence is not where it once was and I feel very much on the “outside” of things having been away for so long.

I am sitting in my office writing this feeling the waterworks starting to flow. I think that’s my cue to call it a day and get back to my “safe place” at home where my attire is of no matter and I always look good in the eyes of my dog!

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