Today was another “fill” day. My last one was three weeks ago. It takes that long for the skin to stretch and settle at the new size after the saline injections. It really is a bizarre feeling having this fluid move around your chest like an alien being. The fluid travels at will. In the mornings it tend to have pooled to the bottom and outside wall of my chest, under my armpits. By midday it tends to rise higher and creates air pockets that bubble to the surface pushing my skin up and out so it looks and feels like something is alive, trapped and fighting to burst out. Having had a bilateral mastectomy, we are working at rebuilding both of my breasts. The process is not easy. It is not speedy. And it is definitely not painless. In today’s session I had a nurse present who had never seen the procedure. I saw her eyes widen in disbelief when they took the giant syringes out and prepped them with the fluid. She looked horrified. She ran over and grabbed my hand just as the two syringes were pushed forcibly into my chest cavity. She audibly winced, squeezed my hand and said “oh, well done!”
I wouldn’t say that I am used to the pain, but I am not surprised by it anymore. I have come to expect it I guess. Every procedure, every appointment, every day is painful. It’s just a matter of trying to work through it and not let it take over your life. Because, let’s face it…this is what my life is and will be for months and months to come. It ain’t easy. I admit that…but I am not about to let it rule my life either. Would I love to wake up one morning or not go to bed at night in pain? Of course, but in the grand scheme of things, my present situation is but a blip in my life and it will get better.
As I was “being filled”, I commented to the surgeon that presently my growing bumps are not symmetrical. One is definitely larger and higher than the other. One is wide and flatter and the other is rounder and more narrow. It looks very odd. “What…you don’t like that look?” he teased. “Your real breasts probably weren’t the exact same size either. We will shift and adjust them when we remove the expanders and put in the implants. They will never be perfectly symmetrical but we’ll make them look good.” Good…hmmm. I was hoping for fabulous, award winning, outstanding…not just “good”. I’m going through a lot of sh#t for “good”. Maybe that sounds vain, but it would be nice to be rewarded with something special after all this is done. Like everything on this journey, it is a process. And like most construction, it will be long, arduous and a bit messy, but hopefully the finished product will be….”good”!
President of As You Like It Marketing & Communications Inc. Award winning speaker and author. Breast cancer fighter and blogger. I’m sharing my journey…the good, the bad and the ugly. Hoping to help anyone else that has been touched by breast cancer be it you or someone you know or love.