I got the call on Friday to say the surgeon wants to see me. She had my biopsy report. I knew that things probably weren’t great. I was expecting to hear that I had an infection or maybe a cyst. It was now Monday. I had spent the weekend trying not to think about the ” what if’s ”. I was called into the surgeon’s office and I sat down across from her. Without looking at me or making any eye contact at all, she opened a file and started to read the findings of my biopsy. I heard her say ” your tumour is cancerous. It is  13 x 7 centimetres . The cancer is in Situ, Stage 0, but because of its size and the fact you have abnormal discharge leaking from your nipple, we will need to perform a mastectomy.

Excuse me, I have what? And you are going to do what?

At this point she looked up and said she would set up an appointment to see a plastic surgeon and her office would call me. There may have been a few more words, but not many and I was so stunned that I don’t remember much else. I was numb. I might as well have been told I had an ingrown toenail. There was no discussion, no warmth or compassion….hell there wasn’t even eye contact. I left her office and drove home to start breaking the news to my family and friends. I don’t remember the drive home…I was in shock. What the hell was happening?!?!

That night was an emotional roller coaster and a bit of a blur. The next morning I called my family doctor and told the receptionist I needed to see her asap! That afternoon I was in her office waiting quietly in the examination room. She came in and said ” Hi Patti, what brings you here today?”  At that point I lost it. I felt all the fear and anxiety that I had been trying so hard to repress well up and cover me like a giant wave that was pulling me under water and not letting me breathe. I was a mess. I felt so bad for my doctor.  She had no idea the news I had been given the day before. I kept apologizing for crying. And she kept reassuring me that it was ”ok”.  Once I pulled myself together I brought her up to speed on the last few weeks. I had come to her a few weeks earlier when I woke up in the middle of the night thinking I was having a heart attack, but then realized it was my breast and not my chest that was hurting. At that point I saw too that there was bloody discharge coming from my nipple and knew something was amiss. She immediately got me in for a mammogram, ultrasound and an appointment with a surgeon, who ordered an MRI and then a biopsy. Unfortunately she had not been kept in the loop and was shocked at the news. I also shared with her how I was told and how ”cold” I had found the surgeon to be.

”I realize”, I said ”that it is not their job to comfort me or show emotion, but some eye contact would have been nice”. My doctor understood exactly what I meant.

”You need to feel comfortable and confident with your surgeon and the plan that they have for you. I would be happy to refer you to another surgeon. How would you feel about going to the Juravinski Cancer Centre? I can refer you to a fabulous surgeon there. They work as a team and all they deal with is cancer!” I felt a huge weight being lifted off me. I could breathe and I felt that I now had some control. My doctor also gave me a prescription for Lorazepam, a drug to take if I had another panic attack like the one she witnessed in her office. I am not someone who pops pills and my doctor knows that. But she reassured me that having the Lorazepam with me would be a good thing in case I ever needed them…and reminded me that my journey was only beginning so I may experience another episode and that the pills would help. Little did she know that those pills would be put to the test sooner than later.

Within two days I had an appointment with a surgeon at Juravinski. What a difference!!!!

My journey had begun.

Uncategorized anxiety breast cancer breast reconstruction cancer cancer diagnosis cancer journey mastectomy mental health positive mental attitude surgery survivor