And now for the next episode of Hone’s anatomy

Yesterday I saw my family doctor. It’s been awhile. I know she has received every report, result and comment from the myriad of other doctor’s that I have been occupied with. I made an appointment with her to see if she can help me with the “presumed” ulcer I have developed from all the medications I’ve had to take and most probably from the stress of dealing with this whole shit storm called cancer.

We talked at length about what’s been happening and what still has to happen. I explained that I am still waiting for dates for some other procedures, namely the surgery to remove the hematoma and the unsightly bulge under my arm. We talked about my progress…or lack there of. We talked about my daughter’s upcoming wedding and how much I wanted to feel and look “well” for the event. She asked about the pain in my stomache and the severity of my vomiting so frequently. She asked if I had experienced any weight loss, to which I responded, “Nope I haven’t been that lucky”. She examined me and scheduled blood work, and an abdominal ultrasound for later this week. She also promised to contact gastro-intestestinal specialist personally, to see if she can get me in quickly for an endoscopy to determine if I “do” have an ulcer and what can be done to fix it. She prescribed some medication to help with the stomache pain and nausea but unfortunately I still cannot take the meds I need to reduce my pain and inflammation…so I will just have to suck it up and push through that until we can find a remedy.

She then reminded me that I haven’t had a “proper” physical and am due. Really? Apparently there are still areas of my body that haven’t been poked and prodded lately, so I am now scheduled for that! I was feeling very depressed last night and this morning. All I could think of is “What else could go wrong with me?” I hate feeling that way. It’s not who I am…or is it? Is it who I’ve become? NO! It’s not. Yes, I get depressed. Yes, I cry at the drop of a hat. Yes, I am lonely and frustrated and exhausted….but THIS IS NOT WHO I AM!!!!! I will not let this disease and all its ramifications defeat me. I will not let it rule my life. I will not let it break my spirit. I will not let it define me.

An hour ago, I made my weekly call to the reconstructive surgeon’s office to pester the poor nurse to see if she had any news on a date for my next surgery.

“You couldn’t have called at a better time, Patti. I just had a cancellation. Are you available next Wednesday?”

I didn’t even need to look at my calendar. Nothing was going to take precedence over this.

“Yes, YES, YEEEEEEEESSSSSS I am!”

I feel like I just won the lottery. Weird, I know. Who gets excited about being sliced open once again? Me, that’s who. With this surgery I will be one step closer to the end of this journey. At least that’s what I’m banking on. With the giant bulge under my arm removed, I will be able to go dress shopping for my daughter’s wedding with one less physical hurdle to overcome. I am overjoyed that this surgery is finally happening. One small problem is that fact that I can’t take any medications orally, including the antibiotics after the surgery in case they aggravate my stomache, so I may have to have injections instead of pills…but I will cross that bridge next week. Right now I am holding on to this feeling of euphoria. This feeling of relief and this feeling that maybe the final episode of “Hone’s Anatomy” isn’t too far off. Stay tuned.