It’s not like I had a choice

I am almost three weeks post op. Some days it feels like three years. I have to admit that the last few days have been really rough not just physically but more so emotionally. I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired!  The lymphedema that has sprung up on my left side is causing a lot of pain/discomfort. I have stopped taking all the pain meds I was prescribed other than an occasional tylenol 3 at bedtime so that I can get a bit of sleep. I could take more pills but I really don’t want to. I’m not trying to be a “hero,”  I’m anything but, it’s just I don’t like the side effects from the pills and I don’t want to use them as a crutch. The tightness in my chest prevents me from taking a deep breath as it feels like I have a boulder sitting on me. My left shoulder has seized up from trying to keep my arm elevated and I have a football size lump under my left armpit. So yes, I admit it. I am frustrated and a bit depressed. Ok, a bit more than a bit depressed. It comes in waves and I am treading hard to keep it from washing over me. I’m not moping around but I have had a few “boohoo” moments the last few days so I keep kleenex at hand.

Tomorrow I see my surgical oncologist and I am hoping for good news. She will have my pathology report and I will find out what the next steps are in my treatment. I am hoping she will have a solution for the extreme swelling and some comforting words that I am healing well, or at least on schedule. I have no benchmark to go by. I haven’t been through this before so I don’t know if I am ahead of the game or lagging behind. I know every person is different but being the type “A” personality that I am, I need to know where I stand and what I can do to get this cancer gig wrapped up.

Someone said to me “I don’t know how you do it.”

My response was ” It’s not like I had a choice!”

No one chooses to have cancer. But we can choose how we deal with it. There’s no question in my mind that I will beat this disease, none at all. I have had some days that have been better than others, but at no point have I felt helpless or like giving up.

I may have cancer, but cancer sure as hell doesn’t have me.