I haven’t come this far to have only come this far!

I haven’t left my house in a week. The new medication I am taking to help with severe nerve pain in my legs has knocked me flat on my ass. I am nauseous, light headed and very very frustrated. The write ups on the meds say it may take up to four weeks for it to kick in. It’s been a full week and the pain has not subsided. Am I nauseous because of the medication or because I am not sleeping? Probably a bit of both. So do I keep taking it in hopes that it will help or do I stop? I’ve managed to get an appointment at the pain clinic next week where I go for my epidural steroid injections for my back. I am hoping that the doctors there will have some suggestions/solutions for the neuropathy. It’s crazy really. I was prepared for the pain and anxiety that I faced after my mastectomy but had no clue that all the other crap to follow would be the hardest battle for me. Nowhere in anything I read on and off line prepared me for all the side effects brought on by the surgery. I can’t be the only one who has had “issues” after a mastectomy. I remember when I was pregnant with my daughter I read the book “What to expect when you’re expecting”. There really should be more real life information available to women…not to scare them, but to truly prepare them for what they can expect and prepare for when facing a bilateral mastectomy. Of course, not everyone will experience what I have, and I haven’t experienced a lot of things that others have but I would have been grateful for an “insight” as to what I might need to be ready for and what to do if and when things happened.

Next week I am going to a seminar on Breast Reconstruction. I saw a poster in the hospital while I was waiting for an appointment. No one told me about this. If I hadn’t seen it arbitrarily I wouldn’t have known about it. Wouldn’t you think that women who are going through the process would be told that this information session was available? Aren’t we listed in some data base at the hospital? I certainly would have liked to have learned more BEFORE my surgery so I could have asked questions and heard from other women what to expect. Now I’m in the throngs of reconstruction and am going to the seminar. Not like I can say, “well now that I’m in the middle of it, I change my mind.” I’m not saying I wouldn’t have opted for the reconstruction, but I certainly wish I knew more about what I was facing ahead of time. I am looking forward to hearing first hand what the surgeons have to say and hear directly from other women who have gone through the process. Just wish I could have heard all this before hand.

Someone said to me that “you are not given more than you can handle.” Gee, lucky me. Why should anyone have to handle cancer? Why should anyone have to deal with pain, isolation, anxiety, self doubt, financial stresses and emotional duress. Am I handling it? YES. Will I keep handling it? Damn right! I have come a long way but my journey is far from over. I am facing every day with an open mind and a positive attitude. I am trying to find the “good” in every day and am dealing with the “bad” the best I can. I am a realist. I am fighter. I am a warrior. I am a survivor.